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Ya Gotta try this !
(A very clever piece of arithmetic.) DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things. It's good... 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex. (Try for more than once!) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold) 3. Add 5 (For Sunday) 4. Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the calculator...) 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1750. If you haven't, add 1749. 6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should now have a three-digit number: Add the number of years that have gone by since 2000 The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age. This is the only year (2000) it will ever
work, so spread it around while it lasts. Impressive isn't it? |
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====== Things to use a BOUNCE sheet on ! And I thought you just used these suckers to dry clothes with ! Did you know all these wonderful things a "Bounce sheet" can do? 1) Repel mosquitoes- Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season. 2) Eliminate static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling. 3) Dissolve soap scum from shower doors - Clean with a used sheet of bounce. 4) Freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet. 5) Prevent thread from tangling - Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing. 6) Eliminate static cling from pantyhose - Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose. 7) Prevent musty suitcases - Place and individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing. 8) Freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat. 9) Keep the shock away - Place a sheet in your coat pocket to avoid the shock you get getting in and out of the car in the winter. 10) Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan- Put asheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food. 11) Eliminate odors in wastebaskets- Place asheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket. 12) Collect cat hair- rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs. 13) Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling. 14) Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth. 15) Eliminate odors in dirty laundry- Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper. 16) Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they smell great in the morning. 17) Another thing you can do with them is to hang the sheets outside your doors to keep the flies from congregating and getting in your house every time the kids open the door. You don't have to use the expensive sheets either, the no-name brand dryer sheets work well. My Dad put them up in his work shed that has no air conditioning and is wide open and he never had a fly. 18) Keep mice from getting into stored things in a camper by placing a Bounce sheet with what ever you are storing, or around pipes and holes. |
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Young Atheist Teacher A young teacher with liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.There is one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a Christian." The teacher, a little perturbed, asks her why she is a Christian. "I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."The teacher says loudly, "That's no reason, what if your mom was amoron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile; "Then," she says, "I'd be an atheist." |
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Mothers By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? "She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands. The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. Six pairs of hands! No Way! said the Angel. The Lord replied, Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It is the three sets of eyes mothers must have!And that's just on the standard model? The Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word. The Angel tried to stop the Lord. This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish, But I can't! The Lord protested, I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower. The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, But you have made her so soft, Lord. She is soft, the Lord agreed, but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish. Will she be able to think?, asked the Angel The Lord replied, Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate. The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one. That's not a leak. The Lord objected. That's a tear! What's the tear for? the Angel asked. The Lord said, The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride. The Angel was impressed. You are a genius, Lord. for WOMEN are truly amazing Pass this to any amazing women that you know! |
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Mary had a little lamb, His fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The Lamb was sure to go. He followed her to school each day, T'wasn't even in the rule. It made the children laugh and play, To have a Lamb at school. And then the rules all changed one day, Illegal it became; To bring the Lamb of God to school, Or even speak His Name. Every day got worse and worse, And days turned into years. Instead of hearing children laugh, We heard gun shots and tears. What must we do to stop the crime, That's in our schools today? Let's let the Lamb come back to school, And teach our kids to pray!
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This is a gasser The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of theneck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high five's'. The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the First PITCH =========================================== Too cute
True story. One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
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