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Dial a face lift

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.

The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The dial", had the surgery and all was well.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon.

"All these years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results.

 But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face."

"Go on" the doctor said.

"First of all", she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee."

Surgery

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and their brains and butt are totally interchangeable."

This works even better with Lawyers!

One Hell Of A Headache

 

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got

older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.

When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,

he sought medical help.

 

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally

came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is

I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require

castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your

testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve

the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything

to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but

decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like

he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down

the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He

could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what

I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself

in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and...

16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted

the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked

comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about

a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman

asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...

size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34

It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache!"

The Blind Policeman

It's okay for me to tell "blind" jokes.

 

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit,

was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and

reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit

patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a tight leash.

The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and

his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and

moaned........."I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

Cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer duringa felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you

have a locker room in the police station - a room where you

change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

Hillary and Janet

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl

talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to

put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and

there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's

"politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off

unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I

muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I

can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary

slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he

would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day,

and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting

sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"